A Letter to Our Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are ours and contain our food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of our plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do we find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating us to the bottom is not the object. Tripping us does not help because we fall faster than you can run.

We cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. We are very sorry about this. Do not think we will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. We also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle we beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. We must exit through the same door we entered.

In addition, we have been using the bathroom for years; feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss us, and then go smell the other cat's butt. We cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, we have posted the following 'Rules' on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Us

1. Cats live here. You do not.

2. If you do not want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That is why they call it "fur"niture)

3. We like our pets a lot better than we like most people.

4. To you, it is an animal. To us, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and walks on all fours. Although they do not speak clearly, they communicate extremely well.

5. Cats are better than kids. Cats eat less. Cats do not ask for money all the time. Cats are easier to train. Cats usually come when called. (This does not always apply to our cats) Cats never drive your car. Cats do not hang out with drug-using friends. Cats do not smoke or drink. Cats do not worry about having to buy the latest fashions. Cats do not wear your clothes. Cats do not need a gazillion dollars for college. In addition, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

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